2013 Year in Review

Past years: 2012, 2010, 2009, 2008. 

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’ve never done before?
Parented a toddler. Zip-lined. Organized my photos. Started a work at home job. 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never make resolutions, I usually make a list of general wants (things like “a healthy, happy baby” or “lots of travel opportunities.”) Looking at my list for the start of 2013, I would say most came to fruition. I’m a big believer in writing things down and letting them go. :) 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I foresee this being a long answer for the next few years of my life while all my friends are in baby-making mode... Let’s see: Wino Emily had her second, Cameron, in February. Our best buds Anne and Locke welcomed their first in June, Elijah or as Bo prefers to call him “Baby Li Li.” My dear friend from book club, Anna, had her first, Bennett in June (on the same day as Eli was born.) My high school friend Krissy had her first little boy, Jamie, in September and high school friend/grad school roommate/psuedo big sister Jen had her second, Tobin, in November. 

4. Did anyone close to you die? Matt’s family lost a wonderful soul at the end of the year, his mom’s father, or “Pa” as he was known to all. I’m so fortunate I had the chance to know him, because he was so important to Matt and I’m thankful I got to witness that relationship. Matt grew up next door to his Nanta and Pa, who have been sweethearts since they were 17, and they helped raise him. It was a heavy loss for his family. We also sadly said good-bye to our sweet Buddy in August

5. What countries did you visit?
We didn’t leave the country this year but we got plenty of domestic travel in again: Phoenix in February, Park City in March, Garden City Beach (SC) in April, Rochester in June, Topsail Beach (NC) in June, Asheville in July, Rochester in August, Boone in November. 

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
I honestly can’t think of anything! Last year I said sleep and bless my sweet Bo, he’s been a great sleeper this year. I feel totally fulfilled in every other area of my life. Pinch me!

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

July 28th - Bo’s first Birthday

August 23rd - said good-bye to sweet Buddy

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Advocating for Bo to get him started early on physical therapy. Scoring a new job that is work-at-home, flexible, pays well and is interesting work. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Lots of little moments where I failed to parent at my best because I was tired or impatient. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
One brief stomach bug right before Utah but otherwise, a healthy year for all of us. Grateful for that! 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I bought it (used!) in 2012 but my BOB has been one of my best investments. We’ve put lots of happy miles on that guy. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My dear husband who has turned into a wonderful daddy - who works hard so I can stay home with our little one, but always jumps in to play or help me out with Bo. Also, both sets of grandparents who have been so engaged and part of Bo’s life and so willing to take over parenting duties so we can escape on our many little trips. And lastly, my dear tribe of mommafriends, some who live nearby, some who live in my phone, who are always ready to lend a hand or an ear to support each other through the many interesting moments of parenting littles. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I’ve ceased watching a lot of news because it just depresses me, and because I’ve found when something truly big happens, I’ll learn about it anyways through Facebook, Twitter or just conversations. Every year I grow more frustrated hearing about the mass shootings that happen all over our country and frustrated that politicians aren’t representing the requests of american people to change gun laws. I hope I see that change in my lifetime. 

14. Where did most of your money go?
Target and student loans 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Ben Folds Five, Guster and Barenaked Ladies touring together. (And they were amazing!). Bo’s first steps. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
Wheels on the Bus 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder?b) thinner or fatter?c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier… I’ve grown more and more content and grateful with each passing year. b) Thinner!!! Finally back in pre-baby clothes. c) Richer… thanks to some aggressive payment plans, we’re starting to see a dent in student loans and husband has been one year out from residency and making a real salary. So, financially, richer. In every other way of interpreting that though, much, much richer. Our family life is full and happy, we have everything we need, we have our health - we couldn’t ask for more. 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Meditated. Wrote. Blogged. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Judged. Gossiped. Read Facebook.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We spent Christmas with my family at our house and watched Bo learn what “presents” meant. We traveled down to Charlotte a few days later to spend Christmas-belated with my in-law’s family and did a low-country boil at my sister-in-law’s house. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
More and more every day. 

22. What was your favorite TV program?
How I Met Your Mother, The Mindy Project

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No

24. What was the best book you read?
Conversations with God, The Gifts of Imperfection

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Lullaby station on Pandora. Great to fall asleep to, great to write to. 

26. What did you want and get?
A healthy, happy toddler. More sleep. More travel. Debt reduction.

27. What did you want and not get?
A house in my favorite neighborhood (Eventually…) 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Pitch Perfect (obsessed!!!)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
31 - we had a few friends over for margaritas and a cookout

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
To have seen my book reach more people (which would require me to do more work marketing it… I know.)

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Oh hello, old clothes! I missed you! (Returning to a pre-partum wardrobe. Regretting selling a favorite pair of jeans on ebay.) 

32. What kept you sane?
Matt, gratitude journaling, dance trance, running with the BOB, wine, porch mornings

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Brene Brown. I want a coffee date with this woman and pick her brain.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Guns. Food industry. Chemicals in our shampoos and soaps. Feeling like consumers have to do all the work because we can’t trust businesses to look out for us.

35. Who did you miss?
My grandparents. Akanksha. Anna. Winos. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Do my friends’ new babies count? 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Happiness is not about arriving at big moments in your life - although some of those moments will be extraordinarily happy when you do arrive. It’s more about the quiet, day to day contentment and gratitude for the life you currently have. This summer was hard for a couple of reasons that I wrote about before, and I could feel a quiet, pervasive sadness in my chest for a couple months. But despite that, I still felt a greater sense of hope, contentment, peace and optimism that it would be okay. I read this post by one of my favorite writers/inspiration-givers Danielle LaPorte in early 2013 and when this sad period hit, it came back to me. “This is why we practice.” This is why I practice gratitude, meditation, prayer. This is why I exercise. This is why I connect with others. So that when the hard things do show up, I’m not running on fumes to deal with them. I’m not writing this nearly as eloquently as she did (of course) but hopefully the message will convey.

August and Everything After

I hope Mr. Duritz will forgive me for taking liberty with his words on this little blog, but it seemed like an appropriate title for a post intended to sum up the rest of a month. A month! I don’t know where August went.

I don’t know where August went, but we, at least, finally stopped going going going.

We’ve had a busy, busy summer full of travel and I have to admit I felt a wave of relief to pull in our driveway after NY and know that we weren’t headed anywhere for a few weeks. The rest of August felt like one long, lazy summer day. We spent a lot of time at the pool with Jamie and little Z and then reveling in the long naps that follow a day of sun and water. We had a visit from Akanksha and a girls morning out brunch for Jamie’s birthday. We went on lots of stroller walks with friends and I finally got back to some consistency with running and dipped my toe back into the dance trance world. We spent a lot of days at home, working on skills like stair climbing, being gentle to Buddy, opening drawers and flinging everything out and using a straw cup. I finally got caught up on some projects that have been on my to do lists for months including hanging a picture I’ve had since October (!!!!). I spent a lot of Bo’s naptimes curled up with Buddy’s soft head in my lap and a good book in hand, relishing the quiet. With heavy, heavy hearts we said good-bye to Buddy in the final week of August (deep breath, don’t start crying again) and I spent the better part of a weekend walking around in my pajamas, ugly crying as I went about my routine. I owe it to the sweet Budsters to write more about this and I will, but I’m not emotionally ready yet. I was thankful that the scheduling gods gave Matt all of Labor Day weekend off, because I needed the distraction of his go-go-go social calendar to just sweep me up and force me into the motions of our normal life to keep moving forward after that. And then before I knew it, it was September 1st and there was a chill in the air when I’d wake up in the mornings. Granted, by 9 am it would be 89% humidity again but the promise of fall and fresh starts and blank notebooks and sharp pencils is there nonetheless.

It’s been a hard summer, for reasons obvious (above) and not so obvious (and not mine to share.) The last few months have been busy, fun, relaxing and full of joyful moments with a silly toddler, but there’s also been a persistent heavy feeling that has taken up residence in my chest and tears have surprised me on more than one occasion when a friend in the know will gently ask, how are you? I told one friend that at least it feels like a healthy sadness – the kind that can cohabitate with other feelings, like hope and optimism and gratitude. The kind of sadness that shows up when you’re going through something hard and shitty (like, I dunno, losing your dog) but you know it’s appropriate and it will eventually pass with time. It’s there, and it’s uncomfortable but it’ll pass. And gratitude has always been my antidote to hard things, and helps act as a compass to redirect my focus to what’s wonderful and lovely right under my nose. It doesn’t take much before I’m reminded.

In the meantime, I’ve circled around this blog a few times, trying to decide what I’m doing with this.  For the last few months, I haven’t felt like blogging and let’s be honest… this isn’t a job, there isn’t anyone anxiously hitting refresh (except my mom, Hi Sharebear!) and I’m likely the only one who cares if I’m up to date. It seems obvious to me that if blogging feels like an obligation, then – duh – stop blogging. We’ve been busy, busy, busy living our lives and stopping to write it all down in front of glowing screen just hasn’t had the draw that it used to.

And yet…

I love having our little lives documented on this corner of the internet. I have grand intentions of making family yearbooks with the thousands of pictures I take each year, but this is where my stories reside. I often  go back and read old posts of mine, and I’m always happy I captured these small moments of our life – even if I’m often capturing them two or three weeks (months) later. I don’t know if one day Bo and any brothers/sisters he may have will like reading these stories or if that will just be asking too much of their attention spans, but it still feels important to capture them.

I originally started blogging because I realized I hated scrapbooking but I’ve always loved journaling and taking photos and this seemed like a natural marriage of the two. Once I got going, I discovered there was a whole community of bloggers out there and it seemed like a natural progression to think of this as a way to connect with other people. And I have! I’ve met people through my blog that I never would have crossed paths with “in real life” and some of them I consider my most cherished friends and my first lines of defense when it comes to sending out panicked texts about child rearing or “should I purchase this dress that’s on sale even though I have no where to wear it?” emergencies. It takes a digital village, ya’ll. I’ve been blessed to meet some of them in person, and others remain digital friends but close nonetheless. But, the mindset of having “that kind of blog” makes me feel this artificial pressure to post more frequently – something like a semi-daily basis – and it’s taken me awhile to accept that that’s just not a priority I’m willing to make. (Dear reader, you may have figured that out years ago. It’s quite apparent if I got a weekly post in, I was writing “frequently.”) I’ve also found that Instagram and Twitter have really served the “digital bonding” purpose that I originally thought this blog would as far as meeting new people and staying connected with far-flung (or even same zip code) friends.

I also feel more reluctant to share anything more than funny anecdotes or a recap of vacations, events and milestones. I’ve gone back and forth on the idea of making my blog private numerous times. I wrote and rewrote that paragraph about feeling sad about fifty times before deciding to leave it in. This doesn’t just feel like my blog anymore – one day my fifteen year old child may google his name and I wonder what he’ll think of what his dear old mama decided to share with the internet. (I’ve tried to keep from embarrassing Teenage Bo, but I’m certain all mamas are guarantee to fill in that endeavor by their mere existence.)

So, six paragraphs of thinking out loud later, where does that leave me? I’m not ready to shut down my blog, but I’m ready to let myself off some make-believe hook I’ve been on that I need to post with any type of regularity or profoundness. I love to write and doing so in any form – blog, journal, book, 140 character deep thoughts – is an outlet for me. And, I still want a home for our family stories to live, even if they are fewer and far between or cause deep mortification to my offspring one day. Obviously, this think-as-I-write post is for me, to give myself permission I’ve been silly enough to think I need, to know that it’s okay to blog however I want to blog. Once a month, three times in a day, up to date or throwback style. If you’re here and you’re still reading, I love reading your comments and knowing you’re out there caring about our little family. If you’ve scrolled straight down to the photos and I’m talking to myself at this point, well that’s totally okay too.

Commence the photo dump. That’s really why we’re here, isn’t it?

Unpredictable Routines

One of the greatest thing I struggle with is as A new mom is giving up the lack of a predictable schedule. Prior to having a baby, I'd come to the conclusion that there are 3 things I love having be part of my daily routine and the investment in the time I put into them just makes me a happier, saner and calmer person. They are: exercise, meditation and writing. I would also add that I am a happier person when I have sleep and feeling connected to my friends and family - whether through long, chatty emails or coffee/wine dates with friends or catching up on our day over dinner with Matt. However, I've never really struggled to make these last two a priority - it's the first three that I know I need in my life, but I let fall off the radar.

In my pre-baby life, I always somehow managed to make time for these things. I would figure out where they fit in, and when I was planning out my day, they became non-negiotables. I'd always get thrown for a huge loop whenever I'd have a major life change (moving, changing jobs, etc) and realize I needed to recalibrate how they fit in… but after a few months, I'd have put the puzzle pieces back together. What I've struggled with this time, is that it's not just a matter of a giving it a month or two to see where things fit in. Things change every single month. Sometimes they feel like they change every single week. 

And truth be told, I'm the happiest and most content I've ever been in my life…. so the lack of these habits isn't as glaring as it's been in past times of my life. But I still miss doing them, and I know that as content as I feel right now, I'd probably elevate it to freakin' amazin' when I make more of a priority to fit those things in. 

I consistently try, and I'll persistently try. About once a month, I find myself sitting down and roughly sketching out what Bo's schedule happens to be looking like that month. I'll write out his schedule, and then I'll try to figure out where I can fit my puzzle pieces in. For awhile, it was doing the elliptical during his first nap. Then, when it started getting warmer out, it became going for a walk/run in between his 2nd and 3rd nap. He's staying awake for longer in the morning, and I'm reevaluating whether it's finally a good time for us to be able to get a YMCA visit in between waking up and napping again. For awhile, I was writing and meditating in between his 5 am bottle and 7 am bottle. When he dropped the 5 am feed, I did a happy dance and of course, stopped waking up then. I wrote more at night, even though I know I'm more clear headed and creative in the morning. Now that he's sleeping 12 hours, I'm making myself go to bed at 10 and attempting to wake up an hour before him to write. Just when I figure it out though, I know it will change. It's just how it is now and how it's going to be. Accepting that has been my own personal point of resistance. 

As a life coach, I was constantly (and am constantly) telling moms to make time to take care of themselves. I realize now, that what that really translates to is, "decide what other things you're going to give up, to fit the super important stuff in." Can't do it all, and that's that. Exercise, meditation and writing are important to me. Keeping my kid happy and well-fed and well-rested are important, as are feeding my husband a healthy meal (since ya know, he's off at work every day allowing me to stay home with my darling boy), and keeping the house…relatively clean. You can't eat off my floors and if you rang my doorbell, I'd quickly sweep a pile of half-way folded laundry into the bedroom and shut the doors. I rarely do the crafts I pin on Pinterest and I'm coming to embrace air-dryer hair. I'm okay with all this. I'm great with all this in fact… I fully recognize that my "problem" (trying to figure out when to run or blog) is an indication of a pretty fortuitous life. 

I read a quote one time about babyhood being an "agonizingly short period of time." I already feel the sands of time slip through my fingers when I look at my quickly growing up baby, and I know I'll look back on these days and feel like they passed in a blink. When I think about this, I feel less anxious about trying to fit all the puzzle pieces back in. There will be plenty of other seasons in my life where they fit in effortlessly. 

The Hard Ones {Musings from the Life Coach Part of my Brain}

I have a soft spot for hard people. 

It's inevitable. The same story every time. I don't know why they end up coming to coaching in the first place - they signed up for the research study but didn't really want to change. They called in for free coaching offered by their health insurance, but didn't really want to change. They pay me, week after week, for my coaching services...but don't really want to change. 

I don't know how I end up with them, but they end up getting in my head and heart and I have to figure out how to crack them. They're the pistachio shell that won't open - but I'm relentless. They should just quit. They should quit because they don't really want to change, but for some reason after they talk to me two or three times they don't quit. I think they know I want to figure out what makes them tick. And I think they sort of want to know too, so they stick around long enough because they want to see if I'll figure out the puzzle. The puzzle they haven't been able to figure out themselves.

When I think back on my coaching history, my most memorable clients all fall into two camps. There are the eager ones, the open minded ones, the ones who embrace being coached with their arms spread wide open. These are the ones who get it, who make me want to shout YESSS!!! in the middle of our calls and the ones who make big, glorious, life altering changes. I love coaching them. 

Then there are the hard ones. They don't quit, but they fight change every step of the way. I don't fight with them though. I refuse to fight them. I stand next to them and try to see what it is they're throwing punches at. Once they realize I'm next to them, they let me try to help. Oh, I love coaching them. 

Today, I found out one of my former coaching clients died. She actually died last year but I just learned about it today. She was a hard one - maybe one of the hardest I've ever had. She came in swinging punches, and I had to duck a time or two before she'd let me near. But I love coaching her. It always pained me that I never felt like we figured out her puzzle. I worked with her for more than a year before she moved on, and she kicked and screamed the whole time. She didn't quit coaching. But she didn't change. I learned today that she died of pretty major health complications. I can't go into details, obviously, because of confidentiality. But they were the same health issues we had sat and talked about five years ago. The very same ones. Five years ago, we talked about changing and she decided not to. And she's not here today because of that decision. 

I read the email with the news of her passing - a long three paragraphs describing her final months. I guess she was as difficult a client for death as she was for health. I read the email, I closed my computer and I sobbed. 

I can still picture her perfect, precise handwriting on her food logs. She looked like she used a ruler to write the lines when she's write portions of 1/4 or 1/2. I asked her one day - she did. She was perfect and precise in her measurements. She was perfect and precise in her logging. She'd show me this, as if it was evidence of the commitment she was making.

I'll never understand why some people decide not to change. I wrote that sentence because it sounded right, but even as I did, I knew it was not the truth. I've coached too many people to pretend that I don't understand why people change. I understand stagnancy and hesitation almost better than I understand momentum and stamina. 

I've been privileged enough to be let in on so many people's lives. It's staggering when I stop to think about the number of people who I have coached or talked to or collaborated with. There are so many amazing stories of change, of the "lightbulb moment." I've born witness countless times to that moment when someone's voice cracks and all that can come forward are tears, and then understanding, and then hope, and then freedom. I love that moment. It's why I do what I do. It's what anyone who goes into a helping profession hopes to do - help. 

You have to know, going into this kind of work, that you can't help everyone. You can't help everyone, and you certainly can't save anyone. It's never been listed in my job description that I could. But there's always the eternal hope for me, that when one of the tough ones moves on from my life, that at the very least we planted a seed. That maybe our conversations have armed them with the tools and in the right moment, the right environment, the right second of their life... they'll be able to figure out the pieces of their puzzle. They'll be able to save themselves.

I always hold that hope. 

2012: Year in Review

This is my fourth year filling this out - I did it in 2008, 2009, 2010 and I missed last year. I'm really disappointed I didn't fill it out for 2011 and I was determined not to miss it against this year. (This is where I originally found it.)

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Had a baby. Experienced pregnancy, became a mom. Published a book. (Whoa! It was kind of a big year.)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't usually make new year's resolutions. I do write down my goals for each year… now I just have to remember where I wrote them down to see how I did…

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Besides me?? Hmm..  One of my best friends, Akanksha, welcomed her little girl Ayanna in March. My sister's best friend Christy had a baby 3 weeks after me - our due dates were actually just a few days apart so it was fun being pregnant together with her. My friend Kathryn had her second little boy, West in September. Two of my high school friends, Laura and Kristen, had babies in June and July respectively - both little boys and high school friend Jeff and his wife Anna had a little girl in June also. Residency friend Crystal had baby number two, Elise, in May. My friend Denise had a little boy in January – currently my only local friend with a 2012 baby as Ayanna + Akanksha and Crystal + Elise departed after residency ended. I have also made some wonderful Twitter/blog friends, Jess, Kim and Joanna, who had babies right around the same time as me and I love reading their updates and having someone go through the same stages as Bo and I. Matt’s two cousins both had babies this year, so we have THREE new little ones in the family this year. (His cousin Jamie had a little boy named Trip in October and Heather had a little girl named Piper in June. They are sisters and this is number two for both of them.)

Since that was a completely random brain dump of babies, here’s 2012 in order: January – Denise (Samuel), March – Akanksha (Ayanna), May – Crystal (Elise), June – Anna (Orla), Laura (Nathan), Kim (Henry), Heather (Piper), July – Jess (Cameron), me (Bo), Joanna (Beckett), August – Christy (Maggie), September – Kathryn (West), October – Jamie (Trip). Quite a year for babies!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Not this year, thankfully. I didn’t fill this out last year but 2011 was a sad year as I said good-bye to both my maternal grandfather and my paternal grandmother, and my husband lost his Papaw. We are thankful this year was a quiet, healthy year for both our families.

5. What countries did you visit?
Chalk it up to being pregnant for half the year and a new mom for half the year, but we certainly did not leave the country. We did travel - it was just all domestic this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Sleep.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Jan 6th - our ultrasound that gave us our first glimpse of our little chicken nugget

May 16th - my 30th birthday - an absolutely amazing day and a great party with friends

July 2nd - Matt's first day of a REAL job

July 28th - my son's birthday! (Obviously.)

August 13th - my due date. It's still so etched in my mind, that sometimes I stutter when asked to fill out his actual birth date.

October 1st - I quit my job.

December 31st – my book showed up on Amazon!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I'm not sure if having a baby counts as an achievement, but it certainly was the biggest event of my year. Second, and probably more technically an "achievement" would be getting my book FINALLY published! A lifelong dream.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Wishing time would move faster in the months leading up to Bo's birth - I was so frustrated with my job, it clouded a lot of the other parts of my life and I wasn't as content in the present as I wish I had been.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. I had one bout of a GI bug in May that concerned me because I thought it was a colitis flare but it came and went over the course of a weekend. Thankful thankful.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A couple things come to mind: A gift for my husband's end of residency - the last present I will buy him for awhile with money I earned and it was a complete surprise to him. Win! Also, a purse that works as a diaper bag that I love and that does not look like a diaper bag. A pair of my favorite skinny jeans from Loft in my postpartum size despite the fact that I was being stubborn and didn't want to pay full price for pants in a bigger size. I didn't realize how far that would go for my esteem to feel good in a pair of (real) pants postpartum. And lastly, a swing for Bo. Best baby related purchase we made. Maybe one of the best purchases of my life.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My wonderful husband who has now stepped into a new amazing role as a Daddy. Every family member who has slept over at my house in the last 5 months and offered to do an early-morning feeding and give me extra sleep. Friends who showed up with food. I have to admit, I was never really great about making food for friends who had a baby. Never again. I'm on it. Having those freezer meals were my saving grace those first 8 weeks. Friends who answer “is this normal?” texts at all hours of the day/night and mean it when they say “call me anytime. Even in the middle of the night.” (You know who you are.) My mom, who has done everything from middle of the night feeds to weekend long babysitting stints to talking me down from polishing off a whole canister of Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups after an especially trying day.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I always hate answering this question but the answer came easily to me this year and I'm not glad for that. I, like probably everyone else, was so horrified by the Newtown shootings. I don't want to dwell on it, because I still can't think about those parents with having to choke back tears. Suffice it to say, I snuggle my baby a little longer each night when I put him down to sleep and thank God that my child is safe in my arms for another day.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Enfamil and Pampers

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My hot dog themed birthday party. Flying out to California for my college roommate's wedding. A trip to the beach with friends. Wino weekends – 3 of them this year. My baby's arrival. Seeing my name pop up on Amazon. Scoring a rocker for the nursery on clearance. Drinking wine again.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012? The entire Lumineers album. Matt and I started listening to this on the way to Nashville last December for the bowl game and we haven’t gotten sick of it yet.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder?b) thinner or fatter?c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier. So much more content. b) Let's see, this time last year I was only 2 weeks pregnant… so, I am still fatter than I was this time last year! (Almost there, almost there.) c) I always answered this financially before… and well, I guess in those terms, we are richer. (Hello, real job for the husband!) But, in metaphorical terms, we are also much, much, much richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Prayed. Meditated. Took real photos (not just iPhone photos.) Offered help.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Complained. Judged. Gossiped.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We spent Christmas Eve and day in Lincolnton with my in-laws. My family came to Winston and we celebrated our "Claffey Christmas" the day after Christmas with all of them.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012? Head. Over. Heels. Smitten. Gaga. Crazy.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
How I Met Your Mother, The Mindy Project

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No

24. What was the best book you read?
Baby 411, Jane Eyre, The Forgotten Garden, The Happiness Project (I might have read that in 2011, but I really, really loved it.)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Lumineers, The Avett Brothers (might have also been 2011, but I didn't do this survey then so who knows!), Renee + Jeremy (for Bo), Eric Church

26. What did you want and get?
A healthy baby.

27. What did you want and not get?
Two weeks off from work before the baby came. (He showed up before those 2 weeks even started.) Buddy to sleep all night.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
21 Jump Street. (In fairness, I only saw about 3 films this year… but this one was hilarious.)

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
30!!! A big one. Hot dog buffet!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
For Buddy's anxiety to diminish.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Pregnant: Dresses + leggings. Postpartum: Yoga pants + easily washed cotton tops. Now: easily washed cotton tops + jeans. Occasionally blow dried hair. Mascara if we’re really going nuts.

32. What kept you sane?
My husband, gratitude journaling, Heather + Susan at work, long chats with close friends, dance trance, naps

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I want to be BFF with Mindy Kaling.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Being home 24/7 during the elections was nauseating. I don't want to talk about politics. The short and dirty version: the lack of compromise among our elected officials makes me furious. I like Warren Buffet's ideas for how to make the debt disappear. I can’t wait to hear how history retells these years one day when Bo is studying them in his textbook. (Will textbooks exist then? Probably not.)

35. Who did you miss?
My grandparents – I wish they could meet Bo. My coworkers Suze + Heaph after I left work. Friends who live too, too far away.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
This year I am especially thankful for all the friends I have met through the internets. Maybe it's because I've spent a lot of time in my house this second half of the year and sometimes my only connection to adult conversations is the people inside my phone, but I feel really blessed by some of the friendships I've formed through blogging and twitter.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
I was going to make some sarcastic comment about how little sleep I can function on or how to wrap the perfect swaddle but I can’t help it, I have to make some super cliché musing about motherhood. This is what I learned this year: I was always a little nervous to start a family, because all I really knew we would experience was loss: loss of sleep and freedom, loss of consequence-free-hangovers, loss of flat abs, loss of quick weekend getaways, loss of discretionary income, etc. I’ve always known I wanted to have kids. Always. When we decided we were ready to have a baby, I felt really excited but still very apprehensive. The losses were known… the gains were the unknown. Oh my. I had no idea what was in store for us. I don’t know that I can even eloquently put into words what we’ve gained these last 5 months. We had a wonderful, full life but it’s as if someone took our movie and switched it over to HD. We were totally content with the regular channel until we switched to HD – and suddenly we wondered how we ever watched regular cable and thought it was enough. (Did I seriously just use cable TV as a metaphor for life-after-a-baby? Ouch.) Motherhood has just made my already happy life even more colorful and rich than I could have imagined. The loss of sleep, freedom, abs and income – they’re missed, from time to time. But they’re an afterthought most days. I had no idea what was in store for us when we said hello to this little guy. Watching his personality develop and his skills blossom is like watching a miracle unfold. The scary thing about parenthood was that I couldn’t imagine what it would be like. It turns out that the best thing about parenthood was I couldn’t have imagined what it would be like.

Happy 2013, friends. May it be a lovely, rich, happy and healthy year for all of you.

Money Talks. I Hate to Listen.

Let's talk about budgeting! This is exciting, yes?

The other day on my Twitter feed someone posted that one of her goals for the year was to work on her personal budget and wanted to know other people's tips for budgeting. I started to answer, but realized I had more than 140 characters worth of thoughts on the subject. (Me? Struggling with brevity? NEVER.)

Not to toot my own horn, but I happen to think I am pretty good at budgeting and I'm sort of fascinated by the psychology of money. Since I don't write about much besides babies babies babies these day I thought I'd capitalize on the fact that I was feeling inspired by this topic to share some thoughts.

First, some background. (See? Already any hope of brevity has been dashed.) My dad is a financial advisor, so money and budgeting is something that was always talked about in my family. It was never a taboo subject and my parents made a point to educate us on the topic. We received an allowance and had to split it between a savings account and spending it on stuff we wanted (budgeting 101!). I distinctly remember my shock when my Dad asked me to cough up some of my baby-sitting money at 18 to help fund an IRA. My thoughts on that today? Compounding interest for the win! 

I'm not exactly financially literate when it comes to things like reading a 401k benefits explanation (blerg) and words like dividends and market cap still feel very slippery to me. However, I think the fact that we talked about money in my family and I had a pretty early introduction to some basic concepts was a big boost to my confidence in handling money and budgeting. 

I don't have a business degree but I've got the basics down: I've avoided having consumer debt, I've got liquid savings and I can honestly say I have pretty great willpower when it comes to most impulse buys. (Let's not discuss the fact that we oh so in debt when it comes to our combined education loans... but we are aggressively chipping away at those bad boys. And they were worth it.) 

So, now that I've rambled a bit and bragged a bit, I thought I'd share some thoughts on how I handle budgeting.

First, the logistical part. I've used a tracking tool ever since I first started having my own expenses in college. First I just used a hand-written ledger, then an Excel spreadsheet, then Quicken and now, today Mint.com. Using a tool like this has always put it in black and white how much is coming in, how much is going out and most importantly, where it's going. This is very important when you love Starbucks as much as I do. 

Mint is totally brainless and I can't think of any reason to not use it. You link it to your financial accounts and it automatically updates. You may have to occasionally recategorize transactions but even that is a simple and fast step. You can pull up trends by month, 6 month or year time frame and see exactly what percentage of your spending goes to each category. You can also set budgets and get a text message or email when you've gone over. Bam. Brainless. This is a real life screenshot of my spending trends from last month from Mint.

The other thing I've done is taken savings out of my paycheck at the start of each month. I'm a firm believer that you'll make do with what you have each month and if the money is gone already, you likely won't miss it. (If you put in a liquid account, like an ING savings account, it can be easily accessed if you have an emergency.) When I had my first real paycheck job but was living the oh-so-expensive life in DC, I only put $25 a month away. Still, seeing that little egg grow each month made me happy - and I certainly didn't miss that $25. I never touched that emergency fund and to this day, continue to contribute to it.

However, I think tracking tools and auto deductions are just the tip of the iceberg. I see a strong parallel with financial tracking tools and weight loss tracking tools. Calorie counting has been my number one recommendation for weight loss for over a decade - but it rarely works as a stand alone. Even when we know what our budget is (calorie or money), a lot of decisions about where to spend it are not exactly logic-based. (Again, calories and money.)

Here's where I've had to do the most "work" around money and I'm hoping that what I share will be helpful. For years, I budgeted from a place of fear. I never carried debt and I saved like a squirrel, but all of my actions were rooted in fear of not having enough. I was so afraid of getting in over my head with debt that I swung the other way and I rarely allowed myself any indulgences. When I did spend money beyond what I had budgeted, I felt nauseous about it.

While I was meeting my primary goal of not getting in debt and saving extra, I never felt good about money. I constantly worried about it, beyond what was really necessary and reasonable. (Real talk: I basically did the exact same thing with calories for many years.) But a few years ago I decided I was sick and tired of being in knots when it come to spending money. So the first thing I did was try to work on having an mindset of "enough." When I would write a check for a bill or swipe my credit card at the grocery store, I would take a deep breath and say to myself "I have enough." I found this statement to be really calming for some reason, and slowly but surely the little tension knot I had in my stomach began to release when it came to handling money.

During this time, my money situation didn't change at all - just how I felt about money. During both my mindset of "scarcity" and my mindset of "enough," I had the same income, I continued to use tracking tools, I set aside savings and I never carried excess debt. The only thing that was significantly different was how I felt about money - but that alone was a HUGE deal to me. After a year or so of working on my mindset, I felt more generous and less stressed. I felt happy when I could buy a friend's glass of wine instead of stressing about it. I could drop money in the basket at church with a giving heart. I didn't panic and want to throw up when a car repair was a little more than I expected. That change alone was a big, big deal to me.

When I switched jobs from Wake to Aetna, my paycheck changed significantly. For the first time in my life, we actually had more than enough. It was kind of mind-boggling to me, to be honest. We increased our savings and chipped away a little more aggressively at our debt, but it was the first time in my life where I felt like I could just buy a pair of shoes I wanted or shop at Harris Teeter without coupons (gasp!) or buy the bottle of wine at dinner instead of the glass. It was the first time in my life where I ever had to really contend with impulse buys. Because really, that's what most of those things were. When I started to notice the pendulum was maybe starting to the swing the other way - in other words, when I had four or five items in a Boden cart and was about to hit "buy" without a second thought - I realized I had to do a little more work again around money.

I really don't like owning a lot of stuff and it didn't really jive with me to just be buying stuff because we had more money. I hate the feeling of an overcrowded closet, or looking in my make up bag and seeing 10 lipsticks I don't wear or having books sit on my shelf that I could get from the library. The act of overbuying didn't feel good to me - so I went back to my thoughts again. (I'm a life coach, yes I am.) This time instead of "I have enough," the thought that keeps me in check from impulse buys is "I am content." When I'm about to buy a shirt at Target just because it's cute, I stop and think to myself "I am content ... with the clothes I have." When I want to swing by and pick up lunch out somewhere because it's easier than making a sandwich at home, I think to myself "I am content...with the food I have at home." When I'm about to click "submit" on Amazon Prime for yet another baby item, I think to myself "I am content...with the outfit/toy/bottle/what-the-heck-is-this-thing that Bo already has." This has definitely helped as our money situation has changed again, and I've left my job at Aetna and we've become a one-income family and had to reign our extra spending.

I feel like right now I've find a good happy-medium with my money mindset. I'm never as stressed or as anxious about money as I was a few years ago, but I also quickly put my "ooh, so much extra!!" mindset in check after just a few months and with just a few extra pairs of shoes as collateral damage.  Today, I still clip coupons to grocery shop but I will pick up a friend's coffee with a happy heart. I still buy clothes or lipstick or lattes... I just wait a little longer and think a little harder before swiping the card. It's a good place to be and I'm kind of proud of what I've done to purposefully get here.

Our money situation will continue to grow and change as our family does and as we have to continually address new, complicated issues like saving for education. (Or praying someone will be a kicker and get a football scholarship!) While I know I'll always continue to use a lot of the tools that have helped me with budgeting throughout the years, I also know my mindset is the biggest tool I have in managing my money. I never felt like I had any control over my thoughts around money, but learning that I do AND that changing my thoughts changes my behaviors has been the best budgeting tool ever.

****

(Bonus points if you know what song my title is from. That lyric bopped in my head the whole time I wrote this!) 

500

I was getting ready to write a post about a trip we just went on when I noticed that this was going to be my 500th post. 500! That's kind of crazy! It felt like a bit of a milestone, so I thought maybe I'd take a minute to muse about blogging and save my weekend trip post for the totally insignificant 501st post.

I actually started blogging in July 2002 - more than a decade ago. My first blog was on livejournal and lasted 4 years, covering the summer before my junior year of college through two years of grad school in Baltimore and DC. My intention was to keep my friends and family updated on my semester abroad in Spain, but I kept on rambling for a few years after my return. Interestingly enough, my first blog started right after Matt and I broke up after my sophomore year of college and I stopped writing right after I moved down to North Carolina 4 years later - to live with Matt. Full circle blogging.

I really loved blogging and I'm not sure why I quit. I've always loved writing and apparently, I really like putting my business out on the internet for anyone to find.

One fall day in 2008, Jamie and I decided we would take a day to catch up on our scrapbooking. The way I say that it sounds as if this was something we did on a regular basis but it was not. Both of us had scrapbooks that we started years ago and were way overdue to finish and we figured a date would be a great way to get our act together. In fact, I think Jamie's was a scrapbook of her wedding showers and mine was from the first year Matt and I dated - both from 2005. After what turned in to a weekend of scrapbooking and spending entirely too much money buying stickers at Michael's we both concluded the same thing: we did not really like scrapbooking. (The end result, yes. The process? Nope.)

I knew I wouldn't continue to scrapbook our life together but I wanted a way to continue to document my lovely little life. And thus... the return to blogging.

I'm so happy I did. I forgot how much I loved writing. Even if no one ever read this blog besides my mom, it would still be a happy outlet for me to sit down at a blank screen and let my fingers fly. I also have this tremendous fear that I won't remember important events in my life - or worse, the seemingly insignificant but just as wonderful day to day events - and blogging is a bit like an insurance policy on my memories.

In the four years I've been blogging at Yankee Belle, I've documented our travels - Niagara Falls, Toronto, Dominican Republic, New York City, Tennessee (Bean Station! and Nashville), Charleston, Myrtle Beach, Emerald Isle, San Fran, Sonoma, San Diego, LA, Palm Springs and of course, Park City and the best snow on Earth. We obviously have some serious wanderlust. I've written about wino visits, tailgates - so many tailgates, med school, Match Day, residency. I've posted a handful of recipes and restaurant reviews. I've changed jobs twice. We bought a house. We got a dog. We realized our dog was mentally unstable. We got pregnant and of course, had a baby. (And now that's all I talk about anymore.) 4 years and 500 posts. I'm happy it's all here.

One thing I didn't expect from blogging? Friendships. The community. I've met dear friends through blogging (and Twitter). Friendships that started as tentative comments after months of blog stalking and eventually progressed to emails and phone calls and visits. I've had acquaintances who I knew first in real life - former high school classmates or coworkers - and through snapshots of their life blogged and shared, I've gotten to know a different side of them. And now, having become a momma, I find myself seeking out blogs - sometimes archives of blogs - to reassure myself that my experiences of parenting are normal, that the hard times will get easier, and to look for advice or ideas I hadn't thought of yet.

It's been important to me to keep blogging even though I've got my hands very full these days. I'm almost always behind in blogging these days. Most of the time when I write a blog, I back date it at least a week to the appropriate day the event or thought happened. I'm constantly writing blogs in my head or using the voice memo app on my phone to capture thoughts that I hope I have time to flesh out. The days are full, and most nights when the little one goes down I run around cleaning the kitchen, refilling the bottles and picking up the living room. But my happiest nights are when I curl up on the couch with a glass of wine, the husband next to me watching football or some show on Discovery channel about cars or pawn stores or guns, and I open the screen and write.

 I often wonder what will become of my blog one day. Will my kids go back and read it? Will they like being able to have a glimpse of their mom as a person, before they came along? How will they feel about what I've shared about them? Will I regret these words on a computer screen, forever in a Google cache, or I will savor them the way I do when I go throw an old shoebox of nostalgia?

Will I still be writing in another 4 years? Where will I be when I hit 1,000 posts?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but something compels me to come back to this platform day after day and write. I do know one thing: this is a hell of a lot cheaper than buying all those stupid stickers at Michael's.

Morning blog session (and a way to sneak in a photo of Bo.)

The Best Season of My Life

At the beginning of this month, I quit my job. I wasn’t due back until November, but I knew in my heart I wasn’t going to return so I decided to cut my losses and let my office know so we could both move on. This didn’t come as a huge surprise to those who knew me best, but when it came right down to making that final phone call it turned out to be harder than I thought.

I wasn’t always sure I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, if you had asked me in college I would have assured you I would not be staying home. (I also expected to get married sometime around 30 – shows how good at predicting the future I am!) I always said I wanted to have the opportunity to choose and I’m blessed beyond belief that our circumstances did allow me that and that my husband supported my decision. Once I got pregnant, I was about 98% sure I’d be staying home… but there was still that 2% of me that wanted to leave the door open to make a choice. Which is how I found myself hanging on to my job even as my paid leave ended after 6 short weeks.

The 2% of me that wasn’t sure was having a hard time letting go of a thread of myself – my independent self, my bread-winning self, my “hey I went and got a Master’s degree, shouldn’t I be using it?” self. But these are mostly matters of pride. I knew in my heart I wanted to be home with Bo, and my reasons for returning to work were more about external judgments and perceptions than what I truly felt was right for me and for our family. When it came right down to it, my deciding factor was realizing that I’ll always have my education (or can get more), I’ll always have a passion or interest in my field (or another one) and there will always be potential to work. (Yes, I believe this is true even in our current employment state.) I’ll never, ever have the opportunity to witness first hand the daily growth of my firstborn child.

That’s not to say there’s a right or wrong answer to the decision to go back to work or stay home, and even my feelings on it weren’t black or white. If I had loved my job and going there each day provided me with a senses of fulfillment or leaving would have interrupted my ability to reach certain career goals, I think the decision would have been much harder. I still waver on the decision some days… but what affirms my decision is ultimately how happy I am. Right now, at this stage in my life, at home I feel content and blessed.

These last 11 weeks have been the best season of my life. And that says a lot – I’ve had a very happy and fulfilling life and have loved many stages of it. There’s also a lot that you give up the moment you become a mom and it’s hard sometimes to reconcile those losses. You give up feeling well-rested (will I ever, again?), the ability to just run to the gym or a coffee shop whenever you want, you give up your body, time spent with friends, large chunks of your bank account and a huge piece of your sanity that is now devoted to a section of thought called “incessant worrying that harm will come to your child and you won’t be able to stop it/fix it.” And despite the fact that every single mother I’ve met had told me being a mom would be the hardest thing I ever did but the best thing – I didn’t understand that until I spent a few weeks at home with my son.

And to be honest, it took a few weeks. The first couple weeks, Bo felt more like a baby bird to me than my own child. I felt like I was on a cycle of feed, entertain, then employ every available tactic I could think of to lull him back to sleep. But over the weeks, we found a rhythm together. The days (and nights!) become easier, he became more responsive (smiles!) and each day when I think I loved him the most I could yesterday, I find it’s grown a teensy bit more.

I just know there’s no place I’m supposed to be right now than safely guiding and teaching this child about his world. Teaching him to sleep (!!), how to lift his head, how to stick his tongue out. Teaching him that he is safe and secure and so loved. There is a quiet and gentle pace to our days together – something I know I will never have again and I’m cherishing now. The next time I have a newborn, there will be a busy toddler running around and I’m quite certain quiet and gentle will not describe the rhythm of our days.

With every big change in life, even good ones, there is loss. It was harder than I thought to say good-bye to my job (and my paycheck) and the freedom to work out at whatever time of day I wanted and the opportunity to blow dry my hair every day and sleeping in on Saturdays. It was hard, but it has been so, so worth it. I heard that so many times it began to feel like a cliché, but now I understand that sentiment inside and out.

This is indeed the best season of my life right now and I can’t imagine it being any other way now.

Messy, Messy, Messy!

It's taken me a few weeks to get the hang of iPhoto and in doing so, I've been digging up old photos from the last few months since my photos are now amazingly organized by "events" (dates) without me doing anything. I am totally convinced my computer is smarter than I am. (Especially because I just googled "smarter than me vs smarter than I.") Anyways, in sorting through my new folders, I came across this series of pictures of a Saturday afternoon at the end of June.

I had had 2 baby showers in May and then took off for about 5 weekends in a row of travel. It was lots of fun, but in the meantime I had schlepped everything baby to the back of the to do list.

Including organizing all my baby stuff. At one point, our bonus room looked the warehouse of Babies R Us. The room that was to become Bo's room was formerly our "catch all" closet - I had stashed everything from crafting supplies to off season dresses to holiday decorations. When Matt started working on Bo's closet, all of those were moved to the guest room. It was absolute baby clutter chaos taking over 2/3rds of our upstairs!

After all that travel and with the impending arrival of my mom coming to visit (and you know, needing to actually use the bed) I had to get cracking. Apparently, I also felt the need to document it.

Before: Messy, messy, messy!
{Bonus points to you if you said that in the "Frosty the Snowman" voice.}

After: The chaos is tamed, order is restored.

I love a dramatic before & after... especially when it's my own house. There's something about a clean room and made-up bed that makes me go "ahhhh...." I can't be the only weirdo out there who feels the need to document and relish in the simple act of restoring order to a messy room. (Right?)

Obviously, the work was exhausting for everyone involved... (including our two little canine houseguests, Ema & Watson!)

30 x 30

Last year when I turned 29, there was a really popular blog meme going around called "30 x 30."  It entailed making a list of 30 things you wanted to do before you turned 30.  I love lists and I love projects, so I of course thought it was a great idea.  I wrote my list in my little notebook where I jot down ideas, gratitude lists and inspiration and put it away.  I thought about it from time to time, and glanced through it once or twice, but didn’t necessarily make a conscious effort to follow through with the things on the list. The day before my 30th birthday I pulled it out... and realized I had only done 5 things on the list.  Oops.  So much for that project.

So instead of focusing on the fact that I have not perfected a dish with bok choy in it or run a sub 30 minute 5k, I decided to start a new list from scratch.  I was inspired by Glamour's list of 30 things every woman should have or do by the time they were 30 and I started drafting a list of 30 lessons I've learned by 30.  It was hard to think of ideas at first, but once I got the ball rolling, it was a fun way to reflect on some of the last 30 years of my life.  Some of the lessons are things people have said that have stuck with me, some were learned the hard way and some are just the source of really good stories… and obviously, it’s by no means exhaustive. 

But it was a fun way to reflect and makes me kind of curious to know what I'm going to learn over the next 30 - and wonder what I'm going to end up going through to learn these lessons.  So here's my final tribute to myself on my 30th birthday (oh hello, narcissism) and MY version of a 30 x 30 list:

30 Things I've Learned by 30:

1. Don't take it personally.  Someone's rude behavior or hurtful comment is more about where they are coming from than how they feel about me.

2. Set the timer for 5 minutes. This was my Grandma's trick.  I often procrastinate small tasks like emptying the dishwasher or folding a load of clothes because I overestimate how long they are going to take.  My Grandma always said to set the timer for 5 minutes and tell yourself you'll do the task for just that long.  I'm usually done or almost done by the time it goes off.

3. I don't have to explain why when I say no.  And in fact, sometimes the less I say the better.

4. Cultivate gratitude.

5. It's not a badge of honor to constantly tell people how busy, tired or stressed I am. The truth is, they are too and they really don't care.  I don't sound like an accomplished woman trying to do it all, I sound whiney.  Plus, by not constantly talking about how busy, tired or stressed I am, I somehow feel less busy, tired or stressed.

6. Grocery store birthday cake is rarely good enough to justify the calories. 

7. I don't have to finish every book I start.  There's just too many good books out there to waste time with a bad book.

8. Having a great relationship with your mother is not something to take for granted.

9. Something is better than nothing.  This applies to exercise, writing, and cleaning the house.  Just get started.

10. Nothing is better than something.  This applies to toxic relationships.  Just get out.

11. It's much easier to ask difficult questions when you come from a place of curiosity instead of judgment.  Just saying "I'm just curious, why...." often makes people put their guard down and answer tough questions honestly.

12. Never, ever go to the grocery store straight from the gym.

13. Deduct savings at the beginning of the month.  Get the company match.

14. Be nice to customer service reps on the phone.  Pay attention to their name and use it.  They rarely are the ones who have messed up whatever you're mad about it, but they might have the power to get you to the right people who can fix it.  At the very least, remember that they are regular people sitting in a badly lit office developing carpal tunnel syndrome and you can either be grumpy like everyone else they talk to or be that one pleasant call they have all day.

15. 3 things I really hate doing but are worth it in the long run: packing my lunch, blow-drying my hair, taking the laundry out of the washing machine and switching it to the dryer when it's done.

16. I can't claim to know the recipe for a perfect marriage but in both giving and receiving relationship advice, I've told/been told both "It's not supposed to be this hard" and "It's not supposed to be easy.  Relationships take work."  I'm so far convinced a good marriage is at the intersection of these two points.

17.  Read the recipe all the way through once before you start.

18. Sometimes "Everything happens for a reason" is a great way to practice acceptance.  Sometimes it's a defensive mechanism for not getting out of a bad situation because you're scared to take action and move forward.  It's really crucial to know the difference.

19. I will never be able to say thank you enough times to my parents.  (But I’ll keep saying it anyways.)

20. The secret to being a great listener is stop trying to "relate" to someone else's story by immediately following theirs with your own version of it.  Just shut up and listen to their story.

21. Being consistently late sends the message to other people you think your time is more important than theirs.  However long you think it will take you to do something or get somewhere, multiply it by 1.5.  You'll show up on time or finish projects ahead of time.  With all that free time, you can make really long blog post lists.

22. Wedding drinking strategy: cocktails during cocktail hour, wine with dinner, beer on dance floor, water on the way home.  Never go back once you've moved on to the next stage.

23. If you are driving 60 mph and have to be somewhere that is 20 miles away, it will take you 20 minutes to get there.  If you drive 70 mph, it will take you 17.25 minutes.  You'll save almost 3 minutes if you speed another 10 mph.  However, it will cost you about $350 to pay for the lawyer to go to court for the speeding ticket.  I retained the first fact from Driver's Ed in 1998.  I learned the second fact about a year ago.  I hate being late for things, but I try to remind myself that speeding doesn't really get me there any faster.  Learning to leave the house with enough time to spare (#21) is what you gets you there on time.

24. He who talks last, loses.  Silence often makes people uncomfortable enough that they'll just start rambling.  This is a good thing to remember when you are negotiating.  (Thanks Dad!)

25. RSVP.

26. In many cases, it is better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.  (Thanks again, Dad.  And you were smart to wait until I was 18 to teach me that one.)

27. Learning each other's "love language" (and that they were very different) was one of the best things we did at the beginning of our marriage.  Remembering to speak it and to pay attention when he's speaking mine is one of the best things I try to do throughout our marriage.

28. The more I learn to sit and let uncomfortable feelings pass and acknowledge that they are going to be temporary, the less power a box of wheat thins has over me.

29. Investing time in relationships with girlfriends (including sister!) has had the greatest positive impact in my life.  Make dates with them, send texts just to say hi, make yourself a note when they tell you they have an interview on a certain day or a doctor's appointment or are going to run into an ex at a wedding and follow up.  And for the ones in my life that make it a point to do those things for me, I try to remember to always tell them how grateful I am for their friendship.

30. Before you put it on the internet, imagine your boss, your grandma and your future children reading it.

More Page-A-Day Prompts

I love my Happiness Project calendar – the stack of pages I tear off to respond to later is growing ever larger, but my absolute favorite pages from it are the “questions to ask yourself” pages.  It’s a journal fanatic's dream come true.  (I forgot to take a picture of the calendar page this time, but the questions are there anyways.)

What was the nicest compliment you've ever received?

I had a hard time answering this - not because people have never said nice things about me, but because “words of affirmation” are totally my love language so I've tucked away a lot of nice things in my heart and I feel kind of funny sharing them.  One of the most meaningful compliments I’ve ever received was the toast Matt gave me at our rehearsal dinner.  I carry a copy of it in my wallet and pull it out to reread from time to time and it never fails to uplift me.   

What are your five favorite things about your neighborhood?

1. My House - can this count?  I love my house.  Since it's in my neighborhood, I'm counting it.

2. The walking path that runs through the middle of it and the sidewalks all around it.

3. My porch - okay I'm cheating a bit since this is part of my house.  But I love sitting on my porch ... and I can't wait for us to finish the fence around our backyard for even more privacy!  It feels like a retreat back there.

4. Our next door neighbor - we have a really nice next door neighbor.  He and Matt get along great, and he was absolutely amazing when it came to helping Matt build the porch - invested a huge amount of time alongside Matt teaching him how to do it.  He's also the type who will loan you his lawn mower or bring you an extra slice of pie he's made.  His niceness makes up for the fact that his son has thrown water balloons at me on more than one occasion.

5. It feels safe.  I've lived in Baltimore - I can appreciate feeling safe in a neighborhood.

What type of activities energize you?

Dance trance, strength training, writing, going on a long walk or run with a good friend, taking everything out of a cluttered space and reorganizing it, organizing a task or project with an Excel spreadsheet, making a to do list.

And now here is a gratuitous Buddy picture for your viewing enjoyment.  Because a blog post without a picture is just a glorified version of my diary.

And They’re Like … It’s Better Than Yours

I had a not-so-awesome week at work this week and on my way on Thursday, I was thinking to myself “oh how I would love to relax with some vino tonight.”  Well, lil 19 week old fetus says “that ain’t gonna happen, Mom” so I tried to think about what would be the next best thing when lo! a highway detour took me right by Cookout.  (Thank you, single lane on 52 NB.)

Oh, Cookout.  Delicious, delicious Cookout. I literally have not had a Cookout milkshake since 2006.  I know the exact year, because Zac and Jamie and I were going to see Failure to Launch at the $2 theater (terrible movie) and we snuck in our milkshakes.  I had just started working at Wake teaching the weight loss classes for a research study and thought “Hmm, maybe I should look up the calorie information on a Cookout milkshake!”

Terrible, terrible idea.  I haven’t had one since.

Although this information was partially enlightening to explain the good 10 or so extra pounds* that I carried around in college.  You see, after many a fraternity party, my girlfriends and I would somehow find a “willing” pledge to drive to Cookout and get us milkshakes.  And hush puppies.  The combination which should preferably be eaten together – hush puppies dipped into your milkshake.  If you’ve never tried this before, I suggest you start with the Oreo and go from there.

While I was waiting in the drive-through line for my milkshake – and oh what the heck, my hush puppies too - it suddenly occurred to me that I never once paid for my milkshakes in college.  Never!  Who did?  Was it the pledge?  Was it the brother who sent the pledge?  I suddenly felt horribly guilty that someone had footed my milkshake bill for the better part of 3 semesters of college and I had never once even asked someone if I should chip in.  How entitled was I?!

But then I decided that since women have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, it was the least the males of the world could do to pick our milkshake tab for us in college.  So that settled in and I felt better about this debt.  (Although I still do wonder who it was who paid for them?)

These are the things I think about sometimes.  I should probably keep them to myself instead of blogging about them. 

And just in case you’re wondering, the hush puppies and milkshake combo is every bit as good at 19-weeks and totally sober as it was at 19 years old and, um, not. 

I’m just not going to make it a weekly thing this time around.  I promise.

Although I don’t think someone would mind if I did….

 

(*Editor’s Note: Those 10 pounds also maybe also a little something to do with beer.  Or Fox Run White Zinfandel mixed with Sprite.  Or the fact that you could Pizza Hut on Deacon Dollars.  Or the Benson candy bins.  Just sayin’.)