Poop On A Plane (the less popular spinoff that Samuel L. Jackson wisely turned down)

While we were coming into Dulles on my flight back from Rochester, I had a 50 minute connection (stupid to do in Dulles, which is approximately the size of a small city.) 10 minutes before landing this little girl 2 rows up starts WAILING. She's at least 3-4 years old. Not like a wee baby where you're like "wow, poor moms" (because obvi at that age, you can't really do too much of the logical talk and soothing things like "sssshh, the other people are starting to give me death looks thanks to your banshee wails" isn't nearly as meaningful to a 5 mo old as they would be to a 3.5 year old right? I don't know - no children, not sure at which age "logic" is apropos. Never? Is Never the right age?)

Anyways, I digress. So, 10 minutes to landing, there's wailing, there's a little bit of ineffective shushing going on, there's passengers exchanging that look (you know the one, you've done it too) and all of a sudden the wailing turns into "I gottttaaaaa pooooooop." Now this gets a good dose of nervous laughter from the fellow passengers around her. "I gotta poop and I caaaaaaan't." Ok, so the poor dear is constipated which according to many people is very uncomfortable. I would not know. (Thank you colitis.) We land. Late. 40 minutes til my next flight boards. I'm doing lots of deep yoga breaths to keep the nerves at bay as I glance at my watch approximately every 8 seconds. We dally on the run way - another plane is at our gate. 20 minutes til my next flight and the cacophony of pleas for use of the potty has not shown any signs of a ceasefire. Finally, she stops. The silence is so peaceful the entire plane exhales simultaneously.

"MOOOOOM I POOOOPED MY PAAAAAANTSSSS." Immediately, a stomach-turning odor fills our end of the cabin, and of course, the plane is STILL. NOT. MOVING. Those little nozzles of air above your head do not dissipate poo smells very well, just FYI. 10 minutes til boarding and my heart is racing. Wailing, poop smells, no more sympathetic smiles from the passengers, and finally thankyouthankyouthankyou we're moving again. As we pull into the gate, the attendant comes on the overhead and says "Folks, if I could ask your cooperation for a minute - if you could all remain seated while I get this young lady off the plane first - I think she might need to use the bathroom."

YA THINK? Cos I'm pretty sure she just told us SHE ALREADY DID.

5 minutes to go, overwhelming smell, no one is getting off the plane and PS, Degree deodorant YOU DO NOT WORK.

The poopy passenger was whisked off and seatbelts came off faster than a freshmen's pants on pledge night. clickclickclickGET OFF THE FREAKING PLANE ALREADY. 3 minutes til boarding, I'm never going to make it across the Behemoth That Is Dulles International in that huge pod on wheels.

But, by the Grace of God, I step off of Flight 349D at Gate 2C. Boarding next to me, at 3C was Flight 3489. To Greensboro. Halle-freaking-lujah.