I've tried to write an update every 4 weeks for my own sake - I know one day the experience of being pregnant for the first time will be hidden in the dusty recesses of my brain and it will be easier for me to conjure up the lyrics to a top 10 song or the recipe for artichoke dip than it will be to remember this whole experience. It's why I blog, after all - I have a bizarre fear of forgetting and a need to commit words to paper or screen about anything meaningful in my life. And yet for some reason, I've had a tough time calling up the words to describe how I’ve been feeling around week 32. Neutral? Mixed emotions? Both don’t quite seem to do it just and sound like odd, almost cold, sentiments to describe what it's like to be 2 months away from meeting your first born.
And yet...
I am excited to meet him. I can feel him kick and squirm now, and sometimes when I put my hand on my belly and feel what must be a butt or a head or a heel (who can actually tell?) an image of a baby's butt or head or heel will flash in my mind and I realize I'll get to see these body parts out here in the real world in just a few weeks. I fold the tiny laundry and think about squirming limbs and baby smells and how quickly this adorable little "Auntie Loves Me" onesie is going to get totally ruined by something coming out one end or the other. Well-meaning advice givers (them again) warn you that the newborn stage goes by in the blink of an eye, and I wonder as I match up teensy socks - will I appreciate that eye blink moment for what it is or will I be so sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, brain dead that I'll be wishing the days past - to him sleeping through the night, or being out of diapers, or whatever the next assumed stage is that's going to be easier than the one I'll be in?
Probably, I am guessing, both.
There's excitement and anticipation and reality of meeting this little person and a bit of amazement that he is a stranger to me now but in an instant will be so utterly familiar we'll wonder if we really ever knew a time before he existed.
But in the same vein, there's part of me that's basking in the last few weeks that we have of being Matt-and-Meghan, just the two of us (with a highly dependent dog often tagging along, of course). My due date is just two days after our fifth wedding anniversary. I have really, really loved our last 5 years together. It sounds cliché, but I can't remember ever being more happy and content in my life than I have been being half of this partnership. Writing about the blessings of my marriage would take up pages and pages of this blog, and I've probably already written that post a half dozen times. Suffice it to say, we have had a happy and fun five years and it's strange to know we stand on the brink of a huge change in our family dynamic, but not really know what exactly that means. In any case, I am not wishing these 8 weeks to get here any faster than I know they already will and just trying to soak up the last 2 months as a couple before we become a family.
To be honest, this isn't the post I expected to write about 32 weeks. I thought I was going to write about how dreadfully uncomfortable my office chair is to park my expanding self into for 10 hours at a time. Or how at 32 weeks, my walk has definitely committed itself to being more of a waddle. Or how ridiculous I look anytime I catch sight of my round belly hindering anything that could remotely be could described as graceful at my Dance Trance class, but I keep stubbornly going. Or how the constant kicks and jabs I am privileged to every night when I lay down to go to bed make my stomach looks like something out of a sci-fi movie. Or how we finally have a crib! But no mattress or change table or anything remotely indicative of a finished baby nursery. All of these things are true, but those aren't the words that came out when I started writing about 32 weeks. So this is what I'll stick with it, and what I will come back to when I need refreshing from the dusty recesses of my mind about what it was like to be 2 months away from meeting baby. 2 months away from being a family.
7 comments:
love this post- I felt the same way about "my thirties." once thirty-three weeks hit for me, it felt like the rest of my pregnancy flew by- you'll be meeting that sweet baby in no time. towards the end I wrote about the aches, the pains, the killer heartburn- in an attempt to sway myself from wanting a third baby- because I truly felt miserable. but now that Maclane is here? (and only has been for 9 days) I find myself seriously considering that third baby. it's funny what pregnancy and deliver and those first few newborn days do to us :) you look great- savor these last few weeks sans-baby. you're right- your on the precipice of a huge life change.. but? it only gets better.
Yay! :-)
Such a great post! What you expect of a pregnancy (or any situation, for that matter) generally does not hold true. Congratulations on making it to 32 weeks AND still going to dance trance :)
You look great!
I love this post! I didnt even realize that you might have your baby on your anniversary too! That would be crazy. :). I remember when I hit week 30 and I thought I would never make it 10 more, but those last few went by so fast I couldn't believe it. You are doing a wonderful job of living in the moment and documenting the journey. I am so excited for you and Matt.
"I have a bizarre fear of forgetting and a need to commit words to paper or screen about anything meaningful in my life." I guess you just described, in very few words, why I blog, and I didn't even realize it. But you're totally right, and, with our family, I think that's a legit concern, and a darn good reason. I don't remember a lot about the first couple of months of each of them because of extreme exhaustion, but I DO remember that it was wonderful, despite the tiredness, despite the wish to sleep more than two hours at a time. I remember rocking and nursing in the middle of the night, and how soft, and quiet and calm it was. If you try to focus on those things, instead of how tired you are, you WILL remember them. They stand out. Those times don't last long, but the good memories do, and the bad parts (aka - sheer exhaustion) fly away. In that regard, I envy you.
You look fantastic! I hope the remaining 6 weeks are smooth sailing for you. And you are so right about him being a stranger now, but once you see his face, you will instantly feel like you've known him for thousands of years. Meeting my babies for the first time ranks as the top two most significant days of my entire life.
I'm glad you're documenting your pregnancy every 4 weeks, so when I finally get there, I'll just come back and read this so I know what's going on :) Makes me happy. xoxox
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